My name is Ben and none of this matters.

My name is Ben Hail. I write stupid jokes on the internet and sometimes I perform them. I don't know what you're doing here.
~ Monday, May 6 ~
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Just saw The Great Gatsby. It was okay but the sitting-in-8th-grade-english-class-stoned-out-of-my-mind-taking-turns-reading-it-out-loud-while-scribbling-anarchy-symbols-on-the-back-of-my-5-star-notebook version of the book was better.

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reblogged via dangatorium
~ Friday, January 4 ~
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‎”i can only sing if i’m wearing jewelry. see?” (*takes off necklace, sings horribly. *puts on necklace, still sings horribly but with shinier plumage). - toddler reenacting the world’s shittiest episode of the twilight zone


~ Friday, December 28 ~
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For me stand up is like everything else I do; met with mixed results.

Tags: comedy This one time I went hiking and forgot to wear socks
~ Thursday, December 27 ~
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somebody left this at my doorstep. i assume this is going to be a lot like taking in an orphan. emotionally.

somebody left this at my doorstep. i assume this is going to be a lot like taking in an orphan. emotionally.


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~ Tuesday, December 18 ~
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while heartbreaking, national tragedies do offer us one positive outcome; a shit ton of facebook likes.


~ Monday, December 17 ~
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liberalsarecool:

NRA and gun nut rhetoric destroyed.

liberalsarecool:

NRA and gun nut rhetoric destroyed.


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reblogged via liberalsarecool
~ Thursday, October 11 ~
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shooting for the stars

shooting for the stars

Tags: optimism facebook This one time I went hiking and forgot to wear socks
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~ Saturday, September 29 ~
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reblogged via 19841979
~ Friday, September 28 ~
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A day of the week seems like a pretty vague title

you have a cyst on your brain

I asked if you had named it

you said I don’t want to get too attached

you need an MRI

it’s Tuesday

a Tuesday is a classic day for an MRI

no it’s not


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~ Wednesday, September 26 ~
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The Real Paul Ryan

davetotheross:

The Romney campaign, in an effort to better humanize Romey’s Vice-Presidential nominee, Paul Ryan, has launched a new ad campaign of fireside-chat-esque quotes from the Congressman. Turns out, he’s a really down-to-earth guy! I know I’d have a beer with him!


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reblogged via davetotheross